Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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