I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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