my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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