I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize
