you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
