I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
