for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
