I want to make a zoo with you.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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