Swine flu. Run for my life!
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
