I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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