Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
