A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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