My sheets look like a crime scene.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
