there's paper in my vomit.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
