I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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