i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
