i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
