i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
