Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
The air was thick with penises
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
