I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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