why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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