Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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