gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
