Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
