Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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