Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I currently don't understand fingers.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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