The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
