I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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