vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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