Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Randomize
