i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
