when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
