Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
