Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
