I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
