It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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