i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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