I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
