Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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