I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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