I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
