You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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