I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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