overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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