Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
