There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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