Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
