I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
