They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
