LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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