I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
